


The Internet is For Porn

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Humor, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-13
Updated: 2006-06-12
Packaged: 2018-09-03 08:58:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8706016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: What's the best way to annoy the hell out of your brother from the other side of a packed Internet cafe? Poke him via e-mail, naturally.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

**Title:** The Internet Is For Porn  
 **Author:** [ ](http://chaobell.livejournal.com/profile)[**chaobell**](http://chaobell.livejournal.com/)  
 **Pairing:** Sam/Dean  
 **Rating:** V. hard R to NC-17  
 **Warnings:** Silly. Several hits off the crack pipe. Wincest. Borderline sex-via-e-mail. Bad words. URL to really, really gross Snopes article. Passing mention of two other infamous Intarweb horrors. I should probably be killed, salted, and burned for the title. Plopped down on chaobell.net because it's too darn long to fit in a LJ post.  
 **Spoilers:** Teeny tiny microscopic one for "Asylum," couple of passing references to "Hell House" stuff.  
 **Disclaimer:** Not mine. Don't sue.  
 **Summary:** What's the best way to annoy the hell out of your brother from the other side of a packed Internet cafe? Poke him via e-mail, naturally.

 

 

_[Galveston, Texas]_

_[Seawall Motel]_

"Hey, Dean. C'mere and pick a username."

"...for what?"

"For your shell." Dean gave Sam that _I no speaka the Geekese_ look. "...for your new e-mail address, dumbass."

"Oh." Dean typed it in, and Sam made a face. "Dude, you told me to pick. How'd you score this kind of setup, anyway? College buddies with spare Internet real estate?"

"Well, uh..." Sam shifted in his chair and fidgeted with a pen and attempted to dodge the question by scribbling out a little instruction sheet that included more strange Geekese words like _telnet_ and _prompt_ and _pine._ "I... kinda borrowed it? And set up a subdomain? And a couple of shell accounts and mailboxes for us?"

"You mean you broke in."

"Uh... well, yeah. It's just temporary. And they've got like a ton of space and stuff they're not using, so they probably won't even notice." Before Dean could even open his mouth, Sam amended that with "Unless you do something stupid like, say, start up your own private porn library on it."

"You broke in," Dean repeated. "You hacked someone's hosting account and you're stealing e-mail addresses and shit."

"Well... yes."

"Y'know, most people just use Hotmail."

"I don't trust Hotmail."

"Fair enough." Dean eyed Sam and the laptop. "That's illegal, isn't it? Like, seriously illegal? Like, 'federal prison' illegal?"

"Well..." Sam coughed and added a few more lines of Geekese to the instruction sheet. "...yes. Not that 'federal prison' illegal's ever stopped you from doing anything."

"And you did this completely under your own steam? I know I didn't talk you into it."

"Uh... yes."

"Sam?"

_"What?"_

"I'm so proud of you I could cry."

Sam slapped Dean in the chest with his single-page copy of _The Total Fuckwit's Guide to Shell Accounts._ "Shut up."

_[Grace and Jay's Internet Cafay]_

It figured. The only two empty seats in the place were at opposite ends, with twenty feet and sixteen manned computers between them.

No problem.

Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:10:24 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net  
Subject: Hey

Check this out: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/ghosts/skinned.asp

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:11:26 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Hey

That's nice. Trying to work here.

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:34:04 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net  
Subject: One more

Uh... ew.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/cannibal/tapping.htm

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:35:05 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: One more

C'mon, man, you're supposed to be checking local stuff.

FOCUS. Please.

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:37:50 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: One more

I am! Excuse me for having Snopes open in another tab.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:39:26 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Here's one

Did you see this one?

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:40:46 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> Did you see this one?  
>  
> http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm

Dude, that's fucking SICK.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:42:18 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Dude, that's fucking SICK.

Hey, that reminds me. I was thinking chicken for dinner.

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:43:27 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> Hey, that reminds me. I was thinking chicken for dinner.

SHUT THE FUCK UP. SERIOUSLY.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:47:56 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> SHUT THE FUCK UP. SERIOUSLY.

You sure? Because I heard there's a really good place a few blocks down. And  
I'm sure the yellowish stuff they put on it is just Hollandaise.

Well, fairly sure.

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:49:18 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> You sure? Because I heard there's a really good place a few blocks down.  
> And I'm sure the yellowish stuff they put on it is just Hollandaise.

JESUS H. CHRIST. Sammy, I swear to God if you make me hurl you are cleaning  
it up.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:52:21 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

So--wait. You're telling me you have no problem digging up, salting and  
burning decomposed corpses... or walking through piles of goopy shed  
shapeshifter skin... or reaching into a writhing mound of bugs and worms to  
pick up a HUMAN SKULL... or doing any of a number of REALLY GROSS THINGS  
you've done since and before you picked me up again...

...and the mere mention of some fictitious chicken pus makes you gag?

........SCORE.

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:55:52 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

DUDE, SOMEONE ATE THAT SHIT.

ALLEGEDLY.

THAT IS FUCKING NASTY. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANY KIND OF  
PUS ANYWHERE NEAR ANYTHING I WOULD PUT IN MY MOUTH.

SHUT. THE FUCK. /UP./

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:56:50 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

I'm not touching THAT line with a ten-foot pole, either.

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:00:24 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

Fuck you.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:01:33 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

Threat or promise?

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:05:57 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

Oh shit, dude, your FUCKING .SIG, and DAMNED if I didn't FUCKING FALL FOR IT  
AGAIN.

YOU GOTTA SLEEP SOMETIME, BITCH.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:07:39 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

I hate to tell you this, but overusing capslock kinda takes the teeth out  
of vague threats to do horrible things to me in my sleep. I'm not exactly  
shaking in my boots over here. Just so you know.

And you didn't answer my question.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:11:22 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

Maybe I was planning on just making threats and not following through  
and letting you stay awake and squirm all night waiting for me to, I dunno,  
tie you to the bed and shave half your head or some shit. It's called the  
element of surprise, smartass.

...what question? The one about the chicken pus? Dude, I have Issues with  
gross stuff in food. You know that. You don't remember that crappy diner in  
Buttfuck, South Dakota or something? When I got a bunch of SCALES or some  
shit in my tuna fish? And barfed on a priest? You know I STILL can't eat  
goddamn tuna fish? I LIKE chicken and I would like to not have to think  
about this sick-ass story every time I pass a KFC for the rest of my life,  
you asshole.

And just so you know, I've done my fair share of hurling at work, thanks.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:19:28 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Why the hell would I tell you what I'm gonna do to you? Maybe I was  
> planning on just making threats and not following through and letting you  
> stay awake and squirm all night waiting for me to, I dunno, tie you to the  
> bed and shave half your head or some shit. It's called the element of  
> surprise, smartass.

Well, now I know what you're NOT going to do. Thanks!

> ...what question? The one about the chicken pus? Dude, I have Issues with  
> gross stuff in food. You know that. You don't remember that crappy diner  
> in Buttfuck, South Dakota or something? When I got a bunch of SCALES or  
> some shit in my tuna fish? And barfed on a priest? You know I STILL can't  
> eat goddamn tuna fish? I LIKE chicken and I would like to not have to  
> think about this sick-ass story every time I pass a KFC for the rest of my  
> life, you asshole.

Oh shit! Hell yes I remember that! I still wish you'd seen the look on Dad's  
face, man. That was priceless. He was all "OMGWTF DEAN ARE YOU OKAY?  
....../OMG FATHER I AM SO SORRY RESTROOM NOWNOWNOW!/"

...wait. Dean, you were, like, twelve when that happened. You haven't eaten  
tuna fish in 14 YEARS? You're seriously scarred for life because of some  
SCALES? Dude, it's FISH. SCALES HAPPEN. Spit 'em out in a napkin and DEAL.

> And just so you know, I've done my fair share of hurling at work, thanks.

Really? Recently? I've never seen it.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:20:41 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: And furthermore!

Actually, the question I was talking about was the "'fuck you' as threat or  
promise" one.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:24:01 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> Well, now I know what you're NOT going to do. Thanks!

Well, hell. I guess that only leaves, oh, about 100000000000 more ways for  
me to get you back for this. I'll manage. Oh, I will SO manage.

> Oh shit! Hell yes I remember that! I still wish you'd seen the look on  
> Dad's face, man. That was priceless. He was all "OMGWTF DEAN ARE YOU OKAY?  
> ....../OMG FATHER I AM SO SORRY RESTROOM NOWNOWNOW!/"

Fuck. I knew I shouldn't have brought this up again. I thought I'd heard the  
end of this shit years ago.

> ...wait. Dean, you were, like, twelve when that happened. You haven't eaten  
> tuna fish in 14 YEARS? You're seriously scarred for life because of some  
> SCALES? Dude, it's FISH. SCALES HAPPEN. Spit 'em out in a napkin and DEAL.

THEY WERE HARD AND CRUNCHY AND FLAKY. THAT DOESN'T BELONG IN  
TUNA FISH.

...aw Christ we need to stop talking about this now because I'm seriously  
going to puke if we don't. Drop it. Right now. I fuckin' mean it.

> Really? Recently? I've never seen it.

Ellicott, dude. Almost lost it. That was fucking nasty.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 17:25:44 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> Actually, the question I was talking about was the "'fuck you' as threat  
> or promise" one.

Huh. I guess it depends on what kind of fucking we're talking about.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:26:24 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed,19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Well, hell. I guess that only leaves, oh, about 100000000000 more ways for  
> me to get you back for this. I'll manage. Oh, I will SO manage.

OKAY NO. We're not going to do this shit again!

...hell, I guess I did kind of start it, didn't I?

> Fuck. I knew I shouldn't have brought this up again. I thought I'd heard  
> the end of this shit years ago.

Never, dude. NEVER.

> THEY WERE HARD AND CRUNCHY AND FLAKY. THAT DOESN'T BELONG  
> IN TUNA FISH.  
>  
> ...aw Christ we need to stop talking about this now because I'm seriously  
> going to puke if we don't. Drop it. Right now. I fuckin' mean it.

Did they kinda stick in your teeth? Like popcorn hulls? Except... y'know,  
fishier? I always heard fish scales were kind of sandpapery. Did they make  
little gritty noises when you bit down on 'em? Or did they just kind of fall  
apart in little flaky shards and get all mixed in with the other stuff so you  
couldn't just selectively spit 'em out?

> Ellicott, dude. Almost lost it. That was fucking nasty.

Oh.

I kind of don't remember that. Because I was kind of unconscious at the  
time. Which was probably best for both of us.

Anyway.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:28:02 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Fri, 21 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Huh. I guess it depends on what kind of fucking we're talking about.

I'm guessing you're not talking about the "champagne and strawberries" kind.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:31:18 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> OKAY NO. We're not going to do this shit again!  
>  
> ...hell, I guess I did kind of start it, didn't I?

Damn skippy you did.

You reap what you sow, Sammy. You reap what you fucking /sow./

> Never, dude. NEVER.

See, now you're seriously asking for it.

> [GROSS SHIT DELETED SERIOUSLY SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE SCALES]

I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING, BITCH. DO YOU WANT ME TO COME  
OVER THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS IN A FUCKING INTERNET CAFE?  
IN YOUR NATURAL GEEK HABITAT? KEEP IT UP AND SEE IF I DON'T.

> Oh.  
>  
> I kind of don't remember that. Because I was kind of unconscious at the  
> time. Which was probably best for both of us.  
>  
> Anyway.

Yeah. Anyway.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:34:19 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> I'm guessing you're not talking about the "champagne and strawberries"  
> kind.

Hell no! One: that girly shit is /so/ not me. And two: dude, champagne is  
expensive and there is NO WAY I'm going to go out and hustle pool or  
burn one of the credit cards or something just so you can have some  
fuckin' sparkly girly kiddie booze.

No, I was thinking more like the "sit here and tease the living shit out of  
you with little hints about what I'm going to do to you as soon as we get  
back to the motel" kind.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:35:59 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Damn skippy you did.  
>  
> You reap what you sow, Sammy. You reap what you fucking /sow./

Heh. Heh heh. Okay, fine. Come get some.

> See, now you're seriously asking for it.

I'm not the one being all bitchy because his little brother doesn't get PTSD  
over a few fish parts that don't normally make it into the can.

> > [GROSS SHIT DELETED SERIOUSLY SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE SCALES]  
>  
> I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING, BITCH. DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER  
> THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS IN A FUCKING INTERNET CAFE? IN YOUR  
> NATURAL GEEK HABITAT? KEEP IT UP AND SEE IF I DON'T.

Oh, shit. Forget Dad's face--dude, you should see YOURS. Oh wait--you can! I  
have the camera phone!

> Yeah. Anyway.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:38:43 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

Okay, I'd settle for a six-pack of Shiner or something. Jeez.

...ah, /that/ kind. You mean the kind where I just /happen/ to mention some  
totally useless little talent I have, like, say, the ability to unbutton and  
unzip a pair of jeans with my teeth and then change the subject?

So... found anything out about that cemetery yet?

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:39:25 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> Heh. Heh heh. Okay, fine. Come get some.

Oh! Dude, I got something on that cemetery. http://www.goatse.cx

> I'm not the one being all bitchy because his little brother doesn't get  
> PTSD over a few fish parts that don't normally make it into the can.

It's not just the scales, you dick. Every Flavor Beans. Remember that?  
Remember that green one with brown spots? The BOOGER-FLAVORED  
JELLYBEAN YOU FED ME?

> Oh, shit. Forget Dad's face--dude, you should see YOURS. Oh wait--you can!  
> I have the camera phone!

I'M COMING TO KILL YOU, SAM, I SWEAR TO GOD!

Okay, maybe not kill you, but definitely slap you around a little.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:41:15 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

Looks like they moved the cemetery to higher ground after the 1900  
hurricane. Except a lot of bodies kind of floated away, so they pretty much  
just moved whatever headstones they could find.

I can totally tie a double knot in a cherry stem with my tongue.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:42:46 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Fri, 21 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Oh! Dude, I got something on that cemetery. http://www.goatse.cx

Okay, one? No way am I checking a link you throw down right after that. And  
two? Know it, seen it, avoid it like the plague. C'mon, man, you gotta do  
better than that.

> It's not just the scales, you dick. Every Flavor Beans. Remember that?  
> Remember that green one with brown spots? The BOOGER-FLAVORED  
> JELLYBEAN YOU FED ME?

Oh for God's sake, Dean, I said I was sorry. I thought it was pear-flavored!  
They look damn near the same!

> I'M COMING TO KILL YOU, SAM, I SWEAR TO GOD!  
>  
> Okay, maybe not kill you, but definitely slap you around a little.

Funny, I don't see you getting up.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:45:19 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

Shit. So then--theoretically--there could be a whole crapload of disturbed  
corpses that got swept out to sea and carried off God-knows-where. Not to  
mention the ones that didn't float away and had a Wal-Mart built on top of  
them. Man, this is going to /suck./ A lot.

Kind of like I'm thinking about doing to you.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:47:40 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> Okay, one? No way am I checking a link you throw down right after that.  
> And two? Know it, seen it, avoid it like the plague. C'mon, man, you gotta  
> do better than that.

Crap. I had to try.

> Oh for God's sake, Dean, I said I was sorry. I thought it was  
> pear-flavored! They look damn near the same!

BULLSHIT. Green with black spots = pear. Green with brown spots = BOOGER.  
Dude, they put a fucking /chart/ in the bag!

> Funny, I don't see you getting up.

I'm getting up. Seriously, I am.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:50:39 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

Yeah. Which would explain the shit going down at Wallyworld there, but not  
so much the shit going down at the Tremont or the Galvez or that Italian  
restaurant or the Army surplus place on the Strand. Which I want to go check  
out, by the way. Anyway, there better be another way to make these guys  
settle down or we're fucked. "Deep and hard and just slow enough to make you  
beg for more" kind of fucked.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:52:18 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Crap. I had to try.

That was a pretty fuckin' weak try, then. What's wrong? Getting soft in your  
old age?

> BULLSHIT. Green with black spots = pear. Green with brown spots = BOOGER.  
> Dude, they put a fucking /chart/ in the bag!

Yeah, a chart with pictures the size of a grain of rice! You can't tell the  
brown spots from the black spots in that tiny-ass picture!

> I'm getting up. Seriously, I am.

Well, you're not getting up very /fast,/ are you?

Have anything to do with that /other/ conversation we're having?

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:55:20 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

Actually, now that I think about it, we might be jumping into more work than  
we actually really need to do here. I mean, how many of them are really,  
y'know, /hostile?/ The ones at Wal-Mart, and /maybe/ the one on the Colonel,  
if you count hip-checking the occasional tourist overboard as "hostile." And  
from what the crew was saying, all the ones that got bumped were being  
assholes and kinda deserved it.

The rest? Honestly? I think we should leave them alone. I mean, you saw the  
one at the Galvez. She was /making beds,/ for God's sake. And the one with  
the violin at Luigi's? That one flat-out said he knows he's dead and just  
likes hanging around to watch people have fun in his restaurant. They're not  
hurting anyone, they're not tearing shit up, and they seem to like being  
tourist attractions.

But the Wal-Mart guys... man, I think we're going to have to find a sewer  
that runs under it or something, because there's no other way we're going to  
get to those bodies. Assuming they're still there.

We can still go check out Col. Bubbie's, though. They might have some nice  
sturdy web belts or something. Y'know, for tying you to the headboard so I  
can suck you until you scream.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
 


	2. Chapter 2

Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 15:59:04 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> That was a pretty fuckin' weak try, then. What's wrong? Getting soft in  
> your old age?

Bitch, PLEASE.

So let met ask you: what were /you/ doing looking at at that?

> Yeah, a chart with pictures the size of a grain of rice! You can't tell  
> the brown spots from the black spots in that tiny-ass picture!

I repeat: BULLSHIT. You didn't seem to have any problem telling the  
difference between pear and booger when YOU ate one.

> Well, you're not getting up very /fast,/ are you?  
>  
> Have anything to do with that /other/ conversation we're having?

Maybe a little. But that's okay. I bet you're typing with one hand.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:03:47 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> Actually, now that I think about it, we might be jumping into more work  
> than we actually really need to do here. I mean, how many of them are  
> really, y'know, /hostile?/ The ones at Wal-Mart, and /maybe/ the one on  
> the Colonel, if you count hip-checking the occasional tourist overboard as  
> "hostile." And from what the crew was saying, all the ones that got bumped  
> were being assholes and kinda deserved it.

Are you shitting me? Dude, the one on the Colonel knocked ME overboard!

> The rest? Honestly? I think we should leave them alone. I mean, you saw  
> the one at the Galvez. She was /making beds,/ for God's sake. And the one  
> with the violin at Luigi's? That one flat-out said he knows he's dead and  
> just likes hanging around to watch people have fun in his restaurant.  
> They're not hurting anyone, they're not tearing shit up, and they seem to  
> like being tourist attractions.

Oh, here we go again with the Ghost Whisperer shit. They're /not supposed to  
be here,/ man. You know that. They know that.

...I guess I did kinda like the one at Luigi's.

......and a lot of suckers-I mean tourists pay big bucks for a chance to  
come see a real live friendly ghost...

I hate it when you're right. Seriously.

> But the Wal-Mart guys... man, I think we're going to have to find a sewer  
> that runs under it or something, because there's no other way we're going  
> to get to those bodies. Assuming they're still there.

I'll see if I can get hold of some maps or something, then. Fuck, I hate  
draining. Look, can we leave this for Plan B and maybe look for another  
weakness or something? Please?

> We can still go check out Col. Bubbie's, though. They might have some nice  
> sturdy web belts or something. Y'know, for tying you to the headboard so I  
> can suck you until you scream.

I don't scream, dude. You're welcome to try, but it's not gonna happen. And  
the second I get loose--and I /will/ get loose, oh hell yes I will and you  
know it--I'm going to grab you by your dumb-ass hair and bend you over the  
bed and fuck you so hard you'll be cross-eyed for a /month./

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:05:08 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Bitch, PLEASE.  
>  
> So let met ask you: what were /you/ doing looking at at that?

Hello, college? Guys with a mental age of about five with unsupervised  
access to Teh Intarwebs? If I had a dime for every time some idiot cc'd that  
to, like, the entire student body with "HEY CHECK THIS OUT" as the subject,  
you would never ever ever need to throw down another bogus credit card for  
anything /ever./

> I repeat: BULLSHIT. You didn't seem to have any problem telling the  
> difference between pear and booger when YOU ate one.

Would it make you feel better if I told you I got the vomit-flavored one a  
couple of days later? And yes, it's... pretty accurate.

> Maybe a little. But that's okay. I bet you're typing with one hand.

Pot. Kettle. Black. Dude, I saw that typo up there.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:07:21 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Are you shitting me? Dude, the one on the Colonel knocked ME overboard!

Uh, yeah, like I said...

> I hate it when you're right. Seriously.

Would you rather try and track down and burn corpses and/or other weak spots  
for about thirty different spirits that aren't causing any trouble? I'm just  
saying.

> I'll see if I can get hold of some maps or something, then. Fuck, I hate  
> draining. Look, can we leave this for Plan B and maybe look for another  
> weakness or something? Please?

Shit. Already did, and looks like that won't be Plan Anything, because the  
tunnels don't run where we need them, and I'm sure as hell not packing a  
shovel in there and digging till we find bones. Hell no.

...hang on. Idea.

> I don't scream, dude. You're welcome to try, but it's not gonna happen.  
> And the second I get loose--and I /will/ get loose, oh hell yes I will and  
> you know it--I'm going to grab you by your dumb-ass hair and bend you over  
> the bed and fuck you so hard you'll be cross-eyed for a /month./

Uh huh. Then I guess I'll just have to tie really good knots. And really  
wear you out before I /un/tie them.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:09:59 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> Hello, college? Guys with a mental age of about five with unsupervised  
> access to Teh Intarwebs? If I had a dime for every time some idiot cc'd  
> that to, like, the entire student body with "HEY CHECK THIS OUT" as the  
> subject, you would never ever ever need to throw down another bogus credit  
> card for anything /ever./

So how many times did you fall for it?

> Would it make you feel better if I told you I got the vomit-flavored one a  
> couple of days later? And yes, it's... pretty accurate.

Oh Jesus. That's fucking disgusting. Wait, were those the puke-green ones  
you spent half an hour picking and flicking out the window?

The horseradish ones weren't too bad, actually. Or the grass ones.

> Pot. Kettle. Black. Dude, I saw that typo up there.

No, that was just a typo. Excuse me, Geekboy, for not sharing your awesome  
typing fu.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:12:38 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> Uh, yeah, like I said...

You're a little /bitch./ You know that, right?

> Would you rather try and track down and burn corpses and/or other weak  
> spots for about thirty different spirits that aren't causing any trouble?  
> I'm just saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. I guess we can always come back if the rest of 'em  
start getting rowdy. I wouldn't mind.

> Shit. Already did, and looks like that won't be Plan Anything, because the  
> tunnels don't run where we need them, and I'm sure as hell not packing a  
> shovel in there and digging till we find bones. Hell no.  
>  
> ...hang on. Idea.

Well, fuck. So basically, we can totally rule out the usual salt-n-burn.  
Okay, so then we ID the bastards, see if we can find anything they were  
attached to, and burn /that./ ...if there /is/ anything. ...that hasn't been  
sold to God-knows-who and hauled off God-knows-where. Maybe we can call  
Wal-Mart HQ and ask them nicely to move the store about a mile to the left?  
Didn't think so.

...hey, you're not actually /doing/ that, are you? Who are you calling?

> Uh huh. Then I guess I'll just have to tie really good knots. And really  
> wear you out before I /un/tie them.

Please. You can't wear me out that much. Not without wearing /yourself/ out.  
Seriously, dude, you'd have to make me come like fifteen times. I bet you  
could only get me off once, MAYBE twice, before you were so goddamn horny  
you couldn't think about anything else until /you/ got some, and you and I  
both know you totally turn into Silly Putty after two.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:16:10 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> So how many times did you fall for it?

Once. Never again. Ever. I didn't sleep for a week. I still had this  
/afterimage burned into my retinas/ and every time I closed my eyes I could  
still see THE PIT OF DESPAIR.

...so, wait. How'd /you/ find it, smartass?

> Oh Jesus. That's fucking disgusting. Wait, were those the puke-green ones  
> you spent half an hour picking and flicking out the window?  
>  
> The horseradish ones weren't too bad, actually. Or the grass ones.

Yeah, those. I wouldn't even inflict those on my worst enemy. Or even on  
/you,/ for that matter.

I kind of liked the black pepper ones.

> No, that was just a typo. Excuse me, Geekboy, for not sharing your awesome  
> typing fu.

Yeah, sure it was. Hand check! Lemme see 'em.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:19:41 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> You're a little /bitch./ You know that, right?

And you? You are /totally/ going to be /my/ bitch in a few hours. Just so  
you know.

> Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. I guess we can always come back if the rest of 'em  
> start getting rowdy. I wouldn't mind.

You just want to come back for Mardi Gras. Catch some parades, eat some king  
cake, conduct a few beads-for-boobs transactions...

> Well, fuck. So basically, we can totally rule out the usual salt-n-burn.  
> Okay, so then we ID the bastards, see if we can find anything they were  
> attached to, and burn /that./ ...if there /is/ anything. ...that hasn't  
> been sold to God-knows-who and hauled off God-knows-where. Maybe we can  
> call Wal-Mart HQ and ask them nicely to move the store about a mile to the  
> left? Didn't think so.  
>  
> ...hey, you're not actually /doing/ that, are you? Who are you calling?

No, dipshit, I'm calling Dad's friend J.D. ...actually, his daughter,  
because he's not there--something about a gig in Arkansas or something. Just  
as well, because this shit is kind of her department anyway. You remember  
her, right? Want me to tell her you said hi?

> Please. You can't wear me out that much. Not without wearing /yourself/  
> out. Seriously, dude, you'd have to make me come like fifteen times. I bet  
> you could only get me off once, MAYBE twice, before you were so goddamn  
> horny you couldn't think about anything else until /you/ got some, and you  
> and I both know you totally turn into Silly Putty after two.

Huh. I guess you're right. Looks like I'll just have to screw /you/ right  
through the mattress instead. While you're tied up. See above re: you = my  
bitch.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:23:18 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> Once. Never again. Ever. I didn't sleep for a week. I still had this  
> /afterimage burned into my retinas/ and every time I closed my eyes I  
> could still see THE PIT OF DESPAIR.

Hey, it could have been worse. It could have been Tubgirl. I have nightmares  
about that one, y'know.

> ...so, wait. How'd /you/ find it, smartass?

Dude. Mental five-year-olds? Net access? Fuckin' thing's everywhere.  
Goatse.cx links are like the freakin' cow patties of the Internet. Half the  
time, you don't even realize what it is until you step in it.

> Yeah, those. I wouldn't even inflict those on my worst enemy. Or even on  
> /you,/ for that matter.

Wow. You sure know how to make a guy feel special. Fucker.

> I kind of liked the black pepper ones.

Wasn't there a jalapeno one too? Or was that just a regular non-geek Jelly  
Belly?

> Yeah, sure it was. Hand check! Lemme see 'em.

Left and right, right here. You? I see one hand with the phone in it.  
Where's Mr. Lefty?

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:25:23 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> And you? You are /totally/ going to be /my/ bitch in a few hours. Just so  
> you know.

Oh, bring it /on./

Bitch.

> You just want to come back for Mardi Gras. Catch some parades, eat some  
> king cake, conduct a few beads-for-boobs transactions...

Dude. /Dude./ I am /offended/ that you think all I want out of this fine  
historic city and its lovely citizens is a few topless chicks to throw beads  
at.

I mean, hello, BEACH. ...with bikini chicks.

> No, dipshit, I'm calling Dad's friend J.D. ...actually, his daughter,  
> because he's not there--something about a gig in Arkansas or something.  
> Just as well, because this shit is kind of her department anyway. You  
> remember her, right? Want me to tell her you said hi?

OH /FUCK/ NO!!! Oh Jesus H. /Christ,/ Sam, tell me you're not calling her in  
on this. Tell me she's going to stay right there in Hayseed, East Texas or  
whateverthefuck and not come anywhere NEAR us. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL  
THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD DO NOT CALL THAT CRAZY BITCH DOWN HERE.

.........ask her if she's still driving that '56. That was a /sweet fuckin' car./

> Huh. I guess you're right. Looks like I'll just have to screw /you/ right  
> through the mattress instead. While you're tied up. See above re: you = my  
> bitch.

Sorry, couldn't type for a minute, /laughing my ass right off./ Because  
there's this fatal flaw in your whole "tie-me-up-and-fuck-me-senseless"  
plan. That being... how the hell do you plan on getting me tied up in the  
first place? You really think I'm gonna hold still long enough? And I've got  
a pretty good feeling you're not gonna /want/ to take my hands out of the  
game when I've got one of them wrapped around your dick.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:29:31 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Hey, it could have been worse. It could have been Tubgirl. I have  
> nightmares about that one, y'know.

OH GOD. Yeah, that was another one that went around for a while. GAH. That  
one? Almost made /me/ barf. Seriously.

> Dude. Mental five-year-olds? Net access? Fuckin' thing's everywhere.  
> Goatse.cx links are like the freakin' cow patties of the Internet. Half the  
> time, you don't even realize what it is until you step in it.

See, this is why I tell you "hover, identify, THEN click." You gotta watch that  
shit.

> Wow. You sure know how to make a guy feel special. Fucker.

Hey, I threw out the rest of the booger beans after you got that one, too.  
Quit bitching.

> Wasn't there a jalapeno one too? Or was that just a regular non-geek Jelly  
> Belly?

Nah, that wasn't an Every Flavor Bean. Too hot for the wee kiddies, I guess.  
Plain old Jelly Belly. They had a really nasty popcorn one, too.

> Left and right, right here. You? I see one hand with the phone in it.  
> Where's Mr. Lefty?

It's on the table taking notes, you ass.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:32:13 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Oh, bring it /on./  
>  
> Bitch.

These "bitch" comments, from someone who makes some seriously girly whimpery  
noises over a tongue hitting /just/ the right spot.

> Dude. /Dude./ I am /offended/ that you think all I want out of this fine  
> historic city and its lovely citizens is a few topless chicks to throw  
> beads at.  
>  
> I mean, hello, BEACH. ...with bikini chicks.

I keep thinking someday you might actually grow up. And then I realize that  
it'd probably be a precursor to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse saddling  
up.

> OH /FUCK/ NO!!! Oh Jesus H. /Christ,/ Sam, tell me you're not calling her  
> in on this. Tell me she's going to stay right there in Hayseed, East Texas  
> or whateverthefuck and not come anywhere NEAR us. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF  
> ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD DO NOT CALL THAT CRAZY BITCH DOWN HERE.

What? Dude, you totally had a crush on her!

> .........ask her if she's still driving that '56. That was a /sweet  
> fuckin' car./

She says yes, and also wants me to tell my asshole brother hi for her. So  
hi, asshole brother.

So anyway, I filled Andy in on all this shit. She was looking into it a  
while back herself, before stuff really hit the fan down here, just for  
future reference. Most of the people that were buried over there weren't  
exactly rich, so what little Stuff they had when they died probably just got  
thrown out or sold to the highest bidder or donated somewhere, and there  
probably wasn't much they were really attached to, or attached enough for  
burning it to do any good.

So about all that's really left of these guys is their headstones, and she  
thinks she might know some kind of ritual to a) draw and bind the spirits to  
their "new" graves, and b) send 'em on their way. The catch is, we still  
have to ID the bastards. I think I've got a pretty positive ID on one of  
them, but there's still four more to track. If we get really stuck, Andy  
knows a psychic over on the Strand that might be able to sniff out some  
clues, and she gave me his number.

> Sorry, couldn't type for a minute, /laughing my ass right off./ Because  
> there's this fatal flaw in your whole "tie-me-up-and-fuck-me-senseless"  
> plan. That being... how the hell do you plan on getting me tied up in the  
> first place? You really think I'm gonna hold still long enough? And I've  
> got a pretty good feeling you're not gonna /want/ to take my hands out of  
> the game when I've got one of them wrapped around your dick.

Yeah, I might miss that hand for a minute. But you've still got a perfectly  
good mouth. Or, hell, I don't even necessarily need /that./ I could always  
just jerk off right there in front of you. I bet that'd drive you totally  
/batshit crazy,/ watching me do that and having your hands tied up so you  
couldn't touch me /or/ do anything about your /own/ dick. I bet you would  
make some /seriously/ fuckin' girly noises then.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:39:56 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> OH GOD. Yeah, that was another one that went around for a while. GAH. That  
> one? Almost made /me/ barf. Seriously.

Really? Thanks for telling me. Now I know what to hit /your/ ass with next  
time you send me a gross-ass link like this chicken tumor thing.

> See, this is why I tell you "hover, identify, THEN click." You gotta watch that  
> shit.

And this is why I'd rather just go blow shit up and leave all the geeky  
research stuff to you.

> Hey, I threw out the rest of the booger beans after you got that one, too.  
> Quit bitching.

Only because Dad made you weed the damn things out before he'd let either  
one of us back in the car again.

> Nah, that wasn't an Every Flavor Bean. Too hot for the wee kiddies, I  
> guess. Plain old Jelly Belly. They had a really nasty popcorn one, too.

I kinda liked the popcorn one.

Goddammit, now I want Jelly Bellies. Do they sell those here? Go check,  
willya?

> It's on the table taking notes, you ass.

DUDE, YOU'RE RIGHT-HANDED.

YOU ARE /SO/ BUSTED.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:43:10 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> These "bitch" comments, from someone who makes some seriously girly  
> whimpery noises over a tongue hitting /just/ the right spot.

I would /so/ not be talking shit about "girly noises" if I were you. Do I  
need to bring in the tape recorder next time I fuck you? Because the second  
you get /anything/ inside you, we're talking Girly Noise Central.

> I keep thinking someday you might actually grow up. And then I realize  
> that it'd probably be a precursor to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse  
> saddling up.

If by "growing up" you mean "shoving a ginormous fucking /stick/ up my ass,"  
you can keep that shit. I'll stick with immaturity.

> What? Dude, you totally had a crush on her!

I WAS 14 YEARS OLD. AND SHE WAS 17 AND HAD TITS AND  
A DRIVER'S LICENSE AND A SWEET FUCKING CAR AND SHE  
PLAYED AC/DC IN IT. DAMN RIGHT I HAD A FUCKING CRUSH  
ON HER. UNTIL SHE TURNED INTO A TOTAL BITCH AND STARTED  
/KICKING MY ASS FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER FOR  
TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT,/ ANYWAY.

> She says yes, and also wants me to tell my asshole brother hi for her.  
> So hi, asshole brother.

Okay, fine. Tell the psycho bitch I said hi.

> So about all that's really left of these guys is their headstones, and  
> she thinks she might know some kind of ritual to a) draw and bind the  
> spirits to their "new" graves, and b) send 'em on their way. The catch  
> is, we still have to ID the bastards. I think I've got a pretty positive  
> ID on one of them, but there's still four more to track. If we get  
> really stuck, Andy knows a psychic over on the Strand that might be  
> able to sniff out some clues, and she gave me his number.

Wow. Okay, psycho bitch does know her shit, I'll give her that. Which one  
did you ID? Because I think I've got a name for the bald guy with the cane  
and the chick with no eyes. And /maybe/ the kid, but I'm not 100% sure on  
that one.

What kind of ritual are we talking about here? The "say some words and  
sprinkle some holy water" kind, or the "wait for so-and-so moon phase and  
such-and-such hour and minute on whatever day and wave a dead chicken  
pierced with a platinum spike and marinated in rare sacred oils from  
Mooju-Booju over a fire kindled with yew and alder twigs in an iron  
cauldron" kind? Because if it's /that/ kind? I would /totally/ not be  
above selling my ass for the money to bribe Andy and her psychic friend  
to do that shit for us.

> Yeah, I might miss that hand for a minute. But you've still got a  
> perfectly good mouth. Or, hell, I don't even necessarily need /that./ I  
> could always just jerk off right there in front of you. I bet that'd  
> drive you totally /batshit crazy,/ watching me do that and having your  
> hands tied up so you couldn't touch me /or/ do anything about your /own/  
> dick. I bet you would make some /seriously/ fuckin' girly noises then.

Okay, that's it, that is fucking /it,/ log out, hang up, and get your ass  
in the car right now or so help me I will vault over this row of geeks  
behind me and jump you /right here in front of God and everybody./

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:46:57 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: Here's one

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Really? Thanks for telling me. Now I know what to hit /your/ ass with next  
> time you send me a gross-ass link like this chicken tumor thing.

And now /I/ know not to click on a /Goddamn/ thing you send me for about the  
next six months.

> And this is why I'd rather just go blow shit up and leave all the geeky  
> research stuff to you.

See? You can't live without me.

> Only because Dad made you weed the damn things out before he'd let either  
> one of us back in the car again.

Yeah, well, I'm not the one that hand-picked the damn ear wax one and GAVE  
IT TO DAD. Seriously, man, what the FUCK were you thinking!?

> Goddammit, now I want Jelly Bellies. Do they sell those here? Go check,  
> willya?

Do I look like your waiter? The counter is /right there./ Go look yourself.

> DUDE, YOU'RE RIGHT-HANDED.  
>  
> YOU ARE /SO/ BUSTED.

I'm ambidextrous! No, seriously, I am! Look, you can come over here and  
WATCH if you don't believe me.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:48:39 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> I would /so/ not be talking shit about "girly noises" if I were you. Do I  
> need to bring in the tape recorder next time I fuck you? Because the  
> second you get /anything/ inside you, we're talking Girly Noise Central.

You sure that's all me? Because I'm pretty sure I heard some distinctly  
whimpery shit coming from /you/ at that point last time.

> If by "growing up" you mean "shoving a ginormous fucking /stick/ up my  
> ass," you can keep that shit. I'll stick with immaturity.

Speaking of ginormous things up your ass, you /did/ remember to buy ...uh,  
/stuff,/ right? So not using motel room hand lotion again.

> I WAS 14 YEARS OLD. AND SHE WAS 17 AND HAD TITS AND A  
> DRIVER'S LICENSE AND A SWEET FUCKING CAR AND SHE PLAYED  
> AC/DC IN IT. DAMN RIGHT I HAD A FUCKING CRUSH ON HER. UNTIL  
> SHE TURNED INTO A TOTAL BITCH AND STARTED /KICKING MY  
> ASS FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER FOR TWO WEEKS  
> STRAIGHT,/ ANYWAY.

Uh, yeah? That was called "training" and she could have taught Dad a few  
trhings about how to go about that. Because if /he'd/ let us run around a  
fifteen-acre farm and shoot each other with paintball guns all afternoon for  
two solid weeks, I probably wouldn't have bitched /nearly/ as much as I did.

And she only kicked your ass so bad all the time because you wouldn't hit  
/back,/ you big wuss.

> Okay, fine. Tell the psycho bitch I said hi.

She says she's coming to kill you in your sleep. No, actually, I'm kidding.  
She did say she would beat the shit out of you if you ever wrecked the  
Impala, though.

> Wow. Okay, psycho bitch does know her shit, I'll give her that. Which one  
> did you ID? Because I think I've got a name for the bald guy with the cane  
> and the chick with no eyes. And /maybe/ the kid, but I'm not 100% sure on  
> that one.

Uh... the one with the beard. Anything on the fat lady?

> What kind of ritual are we talking about here? The "say some words and  
> sprinkle some holy water" kind, or the "wait for so-and-so moon phase and  
> such-and-such hour and minute on whatever day and wave a dead chicken  
> pierced with a platinum spike and marinated in rare sacred oils from  
> Mooju-Booju over a fire kindled with yew and alder twigs in an iron  
> cauldron" kind? Because if it's /that/ kind? I would /totally/ not be  
> above selling my ass for the money to bribe Andy and her psychic friend  
> to do that shit for us.

.../Jesus,/ Dean. I just came // Okay, that's it, that is fucking /it,/ log out, hang up, and get your ass  
> in the car right now or so help me I will vault over this row of geeks  
> behind me and jump you /right here in front of God and everybody./

Just chill for a minute, okay? That incantation is in /Greek/ and I'm trying  
to get it all down phonetically so even /you/ can't fuck it up.

If you /really/ can't wait the five-ten minutes this is going to take, there  
/is/ a restroom here. I should be done by the time you're ...uh, done.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:53:14 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> You sure that's all me? Because I'm pretty sure I heard some distinctly  
> whimpery shit coming from /you/ at that point last time.

Okay, okay, maybe I made a noise or two that could kinda sorta be  
classified as "whimpery," but only because you spent the whole fucking  
afternoon TEASING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME.

> Speaking of ginormous things up your ass, you /did/ remember to buy  
> ...uh, /stuff,/ right? So not using motel room hand lotion again.

Dude, you have to ask? After /that/ shit? Hell yes I did. And it's /way/  
better than the boring crap /you/ get all the time.

> Uh, yeah? That was called "training" and she could have taught Dad a few  
> trhings about how to go about that. Because if /he'd/ let us run around  
> a fifteen-acre farm and shoot each other with paintball guns all  
> afternoon for two solid weeks, I probably wouldn't have bitched /nearly/  
> as much as I did.

Training, MY ENTIRE ASS. Because here's how that shit always went down:

Her: Hey, Sammy? You wanna spar?  
You: Okay!  
Her: *love tap* *love tap* *love tap* Good job!  
You: *shit-eating grin*  
Her: Hey, Dean? You wanna spar?  
Me: Okay!  
Her: *WHOOPASS* *WHOOPASS* *WHOOPASS* GET UP, BITCH!  
Me: ow ow ow *cry*  
You: *shit-eating grin*

That wasn't training, that was Kick The Shit Out Of Dean Time. Seriously,  
what the fuck was up with that? You got pads and these little halfass  
taps, and I got all the groin shots and headlocks!

> And she only kicked your ass so bad all the time because you wouldn't  
> hit /back,/ you big wuss.

Dude! That was, like, Dad's Rule #1! "Don't EVER hit girls unless they're  
possessed!" Yeah, I know, sparring isn't the same thing, but dude, GIRL.

> She says she's coming to kill you in your sleep. No, actually, I'm  
> kidding. She did say she would beat the shit out of you if you ever  
> wrecked the Impala, though.

Tell her that if I ever totaled the Impala I would deep-throat a .45.

> Uh... the one with the beard. Anything on the fat lady?

Okay, cool, the beard guy was the one I had nothing on. I think I've got  
the fat lady narrowed down to three or four possibles, but we're gonna  
need to dig some more.

> .../Jesus,/ Dean. I just came // over this monitor.

I know, dude. I heard you crack up. Don't take this as, y'know, girly  
feelings-sharing or anything, but god/damn/ I love hearing you laugh  
again. I missed that. Even if it's at my expense, I fuckin' love it.

...okay, now I need to go kill a large animal and eat it or something,  
because I just lost serious man points there.

> Anyway, it's somewhere in between, but closer to the "words and holy  
> water" end of the scale. Basically, it involves drawing a sigil on the  
> headstone (and Andy just sent me a .jpg of that), burning some herbs on  
> the grave, and saying some words. Oh, and we're going to need a coffin  
> nail for each grave, but that psychic should have some. And we need some  
> mugwort and hyssop. There's a botanica on the seedy end of 61st, so that  
> shouldn't be a problem. And is there still some chalk in the trunk, or  
> do we need to go get some?

Huh. That doesn't sound too bad. Chalk? I dunno. Probably better go get  
some, just in case. Might as well get it at the Wal-Mart, maybe we could  
get another look at some of our spooks while we're there.

> Oh, and it /does/ have to be done between midnight and 0100, but as far  
> as moon phase or whatever? Doesn't matter.

So we've got a few hours to kill, then. Good. Because I don't think I'm  
going to be able to wait until we're done with this to get my hands on  
you.

> Just chill for a minute, okay? That incantation is in /Greek/ and I'm  
> trying to get it all down phonetically so even /you/ can't fuck it up.

Hey, /fuck you!/ Who saved your ass on that Aramaic shit that one time?

> If you /really/ can't wait the five-ten minutes this is going to take,  
> there /is/ a restroom here. I should be done by the time you're ...uh,  
> done.

Okay. Fine. Ten minutes, and then I'm dragging you out of here by the back  
of your goddamn collar. And if you're still on the phone by the time we  
get back to the motel, Andy is going to get a /serious/ earful.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 17:00:52 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Carpe Cerevisi   
To: Buck Dharma   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Buck Dharma wrote:

> Okay, okay, maybe I made a noise or two that could kinda sorta be  
> classified as "whimpery," but only because you spent the whole fucking  
> afternoon TEASING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME.

So what you're saying is, the forecast calls for about a 70% chance of Girly  
Whimpery Noises this evening?

> Dude, you have to ask? After /that/ shit? Hell yes I did. And it's /way/  
> better than the boring crap /you/ get all the time.

Let me guess... flavored. Dude, there is nothing wrong with the stuff I get.  
For one thing, every drugstore and supermarket in the civilized world has it  
and I don't have to go into a store with purple silicone phallic symbols on  
the "impulse buy" rack near the register to get it.

Do I want to know what else you might have picked up in there?

> That wasn't training, that was Kick The Shit Out Of Dean Time. Seriously,  
> what the fuck was up with that? You got pads and these little halfass  
> taps, and I got all the groin shots and headlocks!

That's because you were bigger and older and you could take it. Also because  
you were a dick. Besides, you learned to block the groin shots after what,  
the third or fourth day?

> Dude! That was, like, Dad's Rule #1! "Don't EVER hit girls unless they're  
> possessed!" Yeah, I know, sparring isn't the same thing, but dude, GIRL.

Now see, that's just a cop-out. The rule doesn't apply when the girl hits  
you first, especially if she's been trained how and where to hit you by a  
Navy SEAL since she could /walk./

Y'know, I always thought that was weird about J.D. Dad always said  
those guys were all nuts. But J.D. was totally cool and laid-back, and  
he's like some kind of medicine man or something, living on this big-ass  
farm with horses and chickens and a sweat lodge and herb gardens and  
stuff. If he ever /did/ have the SEAL-crazy, he must have shed it somewhere.

> Tell her that if I ever totaled the Impala I would deep-throat a .45.

She's offering to pull the trigger for you.

> Okay, cool, the beard guy was the one I had nothing on. I think I've got  
> the fat lady narrowed down to three or four possibles, but we're gonna  
> need to dig some more.

Do you remember what color dress she had on? Because I think I  
might have found something.

> I know, dude. I heard you crack up. Don't take this as, y'know, girly  
> feelings-sharing or anything, but god/damn/ I love hearing you laugh  
> again. I missed that. Even if it's at my expense, I fuckin' love it.

Yeah, yeah. Love you too.

> ...okay, now I need to go kill a large animal and eat it or something,  
> because I just lost serious man points there.

Okay, okay, I'll let you top. Jeez.

> Huh. That doesn't sound too bad. Chalk? I dunno. Probably better go get  
> some, just in case. Might as well get it at the Wal-Mart, maybe we could  
> get another look at some of our spooks while we're there.

Or, since we have to go see the psychic guy anywy for the coffin nails, we  
can take him along and see if we can get a little more than a better look.

> So we've got a few hours to kill, then. Good. Because I don't think I'm  
> going to be able to wait until we're done with this to get my hands on  
> you.

Yeah, same here. I was thinking... one quick one after we get out of here,  
go buy herbs and get nails and take psychic to Wal-Mart and get chalk,  
banish some spirits, and /then/ the tying you up and making you watch me? Just a  
thought. I'm open to suggestions.

> Hey, /fuck you!/ Who saved your ass on that Aramaic shit that one time?

Fuck you too! /I/ wrote it down. /You/ just picked it up when I dropped it.

> Okay. Fine. Ten minutes, and then I'm dragging you out of here by the back  
> of your goddamn collar. And if you're still on the phone by the time we  
> get back to the motel, Andy is going to get a /serious/ earful.

Okay, okay, that's it, I'm hanging up, let's go.

=======lawboy@hellsbells.[deleted].net=======  
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/food/tumor.htm  
Yum.  
===================================

  
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 17:04:12 -0700 (PDT)  
From: Buck Dharma   
To: Carpe Cerevisi   
Subject: Re: And furthermore!

On Wed, 19 Apr 2006, Carpe Cerevisi wrote:

> So what you're saying is, the forecast calls for about a 70% chance of  
> Girly Whimpery Noises this evening?

If we're counting you too? Make that 100%.

> Let me guess... flavored. Dude, there is nothing wrong with the stuff I  
> get. For one thing, every drugstore and supermarket in the civilized  
> world has it and I don't have to go into a store with purple silicone  
> phallic symbols on the "impulse buy" rack near the register to get it.

Vanilla. I mean, it seemed appropriate, seeing as how I'm going to  
use it on /you./

C'mon, man. Where's your sense of adventure?

Seriously, I thought you'd be over that shit by now. Sure, the fact that  
you can actually walk into a Walgreen's and buy a pack of rubbers by  
yourself without your head exploding or catching on fire or some shit is  
progress, but still.

I know this might come as kind of a shock to you, but... /we are not the  
only people in the world that fuck./ Lots of people do it. All the time.  
And everyone knows it. That lots of people fuck, I mean, not necessarily  
that /we/ do with each other. And nobody in the entire world is going to  
give a shit if you stick your head in a, er, /grown-up toy store/ once in  
a while.

> Do I want to know what else you might have picked up in there?

You'll see. Oh, you'll see.

> That's because you were bigger and older and you could take it. Also  
> because you were a dick. Besides, you learned to block the groin shots  
> after what, the third or fourth day?

Yeah, because I got sick of having to sleep with one of those blue goo  
cold packs in my shorts.

And when was I a dick to her? Huh?

> Now see, that's just a cop-out. The rule doesn't apply when the girl  
> hits you first, especially if she's been trained how and where to hit  
> you by a Navy SEAL since she could /walk./

Well that, and it's kinda hard to hit back when a chick that's got about  
six inches and 50 pounds on you is sitting on your back with your hands  
pinned under her knees and your face shoved into the grass, okay?

> Y'know, I always thought that was weird about J.D. Dad always said  
> those guys were all nuts. But J.D. was totally cool and laid-back, and  
> he's like some kind of medicine man or something, living on this big-ass  
> farm with horses and chickens and a sweat lodge and herb gardens and  
> stuff. If he ever /did/ have the SEAL-crazy, he must have shed it somewhere.

THAT'S BECAUSE ALL THE SEAL-CRAZY FELL OFF OF HIM AND  
STUCK TO ANDY.

> She's offering to pull the trigger for you.

Considering all the blood and skin I've lost to her in the past, that'd  
actually be kinda merciful of her.

> Do you remember what color dress she had on? Because I think I  
> might have found something.

Green, I think. Or kinda teal-ish. With white gloves.

> Yeah, yeah. Love you too.

Shut the fuck up. Seriously.

> Okay, okay, I'll let you top. Jeez.

Fuckin' A you will.

> Or, since we have to go see the psychic guy anywy for the coffin nails,  
> we can take him along and see if we can get a little more than a better  
> look.  
>  
> Yeah, same here. I was thinking... one quick one after we get out of  
> here, go buy herbs and get nails and take psychic to Wal-Mart and get  
> chalk, banish some spirits, and /then/ the tying you up and making you  
> watch me? Just a thought. I'm open to suggestions.

Sounds like a plan to me. I'd still like to know how you think you're  
going to get me tied up in the first place, though.

And because I'm such an awesome brother, I'm not even going to give you  
any shit for that typo up there, or the fact that I know you're over there  
typing one-handed and it's not because you're holding the phone or taking  
notes. Oh wait. Sorry.

> Fuck you too! /I/ wrote it down. /You/ just picked it up when I dropped  
> it.

So? I still had to /read/ the shit while you were busy flopping around on  
the ground like a goddamn fish.

> Okay, okay, that's it, I'm hanging up, let's go.

WELL IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME.

\-----sexonwheels@hellsbells.[deleted].net-----  
Warning: nothing in my car is worth your life.  
\----------------------------------------------

 


End file.
